Last night my 16 year old daughter swaggered into my bedroom, wrapped in a queen sized quilt, and snuggled into my big chaise next to me. She was feeling sick - a touch of the flu and a headache. She put her head on my shoulder and waited for me to put my arm around her and give her a kiss on the head. She needed to be loved by her mom.
Hold that picture in the back of your mind, and consider another teenage girl. She is also in pain tonight. Her parents are getting a divorce, school isn't going so well, and she has been gaining weight. Her fear about change in her life is playing itself out in temper tantrums and bad grades. She comes into her mother's bedroom, swears at her, calls her foul names, and lies about where she's been tonight. She needs to be loved by her mom.
Quilt Sets Queen
Sometimes teenagers' needs are easy to hear. When my daughter came into my bedroom, where my door was closed, I was on a personal phone call. She was totally interrupting my privacy and infringing on my space and time. But she was confident that she would not be turned away. It didn't matter who I was talking with, she knew that her need would be met with acceptance and love.
But some teenager's needs aren't so easy to listen to. It's one thing to show compassion to a sick child. I did that, and it was simple. How can parents give that same acceptance to a child who is acting out in defiance, irresponsibility, or rage? When teenagers are nasty to parents, how can parents muster strength, understanding, self-control, and empathy to embrace teens with the unconditional love they crave and need? What happens when life is hard for a parent, and he or she just can't take any more of this treatment from a teenager? What do we do?
When we can't take the behaviors that are being dished out by our teens, our natural reaction is to forbid them. We ground teens, lecture them, and create systems to make them pay for their actions. We hope that one day we'll hit on just the right punishment to make our teen feel bad enough to start doing good.
What an ironic thought. We want to make teens feel bad, so they'll do good.
Could the reverse be the answer? Is it possible to create an environment where a teen will feel good enough to do good? Could it also be that parents need an environment where we feel good enough to do good in our parenting? Do we need to feel loved before we can love a challenging teenager?
Parents, please consider that the answer to that last question is a robust, "Yes!" We all know that you can't get water from a dry well. And it's true that when I look good to myself, others look better to me. So, when living with the challenges of a troubled teenager it's extra important to seek out sources of support, encouragement, happiness, and joy in your own life.
During a very difficult time in my life I took a morning walk every day. It became my habit to smell the morning air, listen for familiar bird songs, pay attention to the weather, and watch for other walkers to greet. I learned to marvel at creation, as I noted new buds on trees and new flowers that had opened since the day before. There was a cardinal living on my route and I was eager to seek him out every day, listening for his distinctive song. I was amazed at cloud formations. In the winter I paid attention to the sound of the snow crackling underfoot. I noticed animal tracks in the snow along my path, just imagining who had made them. This simple morning routine became a spiritual beginning to my day, lowering my anxiety level and giving me focus to get through those trying times.
If, at this moment in your life, you are living in a stressful situation with an unhappy teenager, take a moment to ponder these questions:
o No matter what chaos is in your day, where can you find peace?
o Where do you feel safe and secure?
o What can you count on to always give you joy?
o What kind of music lifts your spirit?
o Who makes you laugh?
o Who is the person you can call on for support at anytime of the day or night?
If you are living with pain today because your teenager has disappointed you, rejected you, worries you, or embarrasses you, put some of these experiences and people in your daily routine. Remember that bad behavior from teenagers comes out of pain, even though we don't always understand it. Teens in pain need a rock-solid parent who is strong, calm, and wise.
Rock-solid parent. That's a tall order, isn't it? You can do it, but it won't happen by accident. You'll need to become intentional, focused, and strong. I would be honored to walk alongside you in your parenting. Please e-mail Diane@FindJoy.org to schedule a free hour phone call just to get acquainted. You can be the parent you want to be and create the family atmosphere you want to live in.